The Old Is Once Again New?

Whew boy! This, I see, has been quite a week back home!

First, allow me to apologize for not checking in earlier this week. As promised I’ve kept abreast of my colleagues’ posts here – or the lack thereof -, but simply haven’t had the time to provide my own updates due to some unscheduled travels. Nothing exciting, I assure you, unless you consider advance laser targeting in the blistering heat your cup of tea. This is the tedious part of the job, the all important field work that makes the fun part pay off. Sadly, the old 80/20 rule applies, and like everyone in the business, we live for the 20 baby.

It wasn’t always so either. Nope way back in the early years, when my predecessors were just finding their way, improvisation was the name of the game, and to hear the stories (as well as read the classified histories), it seems as though there was plenty of adventure to go around.

One of the downsides of joining the cause at the time I did, was that by then, the agency had already become a bit of a bureaucracy. The Church hearings predominated and our country was in the grip of what I like to call the sanctimonious elite. The dirty work that had to be done was just too objectionable for these wide eyed fools, and people like the great men that preceded me were treated quite harshly for doing nothing more than supporting the cause.

But that is my axe to grind and I think we all can agree that it should stay that way.

Nope when I joined the great governmental machine was taking over. All the living on the edge and the wild improvisational daring that had characterized the team in the early days had been largely removed by the dour “risk managing” pasty faces.

Surely I was born a few decades too late! Exploding cigars! Acid coated steering wheels! Attack dolphins (friggin’ attack dolphins, can you believe it?) and many other heady gambits! These were the thrilling stories I was recruited with and they were the things that made legends of the men and women that conceived and implemented such daring schemes.

Oh sure, they weren’t always successful, and yes a few did end up causing us a little embarrassment in the long run. But the ones that worked! Such spectacular successes! These were the projects that made my blood run and gave all of us a reason to risk our lives in the name of a service that would never be acknowledged by our employer. I know it’s hard to understand, but for a job to be more than a pay check, it must have art and beauty. It must thrill the senses and feed the human need for creativity and intellectual stimulation. Hell, anyone can take out a tin pot; the Ruskies proved that. But to do so with verve and style! Well that is what makes this, our chosen life, a true pursuit!

Yes, those were the entrepreneurial days in our firm. The team was small and they were keenly aware that they were lightly funded and far behind the biggies in the business. But they knew they could be better. Yes, they had less money, and a shortage of man power, yet they had orders from the very top to win at any cost from men that knew that winning was our only option. This was the formula that inspired the greats! They were forced to use their wits, and achieve with cunning what others were able to do by spreading a little cash around.

I mention this because hope rises again in my business. Today the agency finds itself in a different situation, but one that is not without its parallels. Killers are on the loose! We face a distributed enemy, with manically committed manpower. Their systems are simple, yet elegant in a sort of primitive way that is indicative of a powerful genius. Most of all, they are driven by a wild desire to cause us great harm. This, my dear colleagues, is a new and dangerous dynamic. Our old ways are ineffective against such a foe and my team has had to get creative.

Hoo hoo! It was with a great laugh that I awoke early this morning to the news. I could hardly believe my eyes, but I know in my heart it is true! The old methods have won sway again and a tin pot was made the fool for the whole world to see.

Mind you I have no proof and no certain detail since we keep projects fairly well compartmentalized. None-the-less it sure looks to me like it’s been “back to the future” for some of my colleagues! Imagine my surprise and great amusement when, after a long day yesterday and a very short night, my team and I witnessed the performance of a certain South American leader before the U.N.! A thing of beauty! Here is a little flavor:

“Yesterday, the devil came here," "Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of."

Oh that is good…just precious! I’m reminded of what a friend once said about trying to assassinate targets with drug overdoses; “It’s a tricky thing….if you get the dosage wrong, they just end up having a good time”.

Ha! I love that line and I was reminded of it yesterday as I watched the poor man. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that they wanted to remove him from the world scene; that would have been more easily accomplished by other means. Still, it does appear as if some sort of operation was underway to discredit they guy. I do wonder if maybe they were a little heavy handed though; I mean the guy was barking! “Oooh I smell sulphur! Ooh I see a devil!”

Rich, just absolutely rich. It’s a wonder the guy didn’t start raving about the pretty colors that concealed the two headed devils swirling in the air above him! For a minute there I half expected little Hugy to announce that he had ordered garbage pizzas for everyone, and then crank some Hendrix through the PA!

Oh my goodness, I’m afraid I’ll bust a gut on this one if I go on. Really I’m sorry. I know this must seem quite untoward, but I am so damn full of pride. I tell you folks, I work with some fine Americans. Yes, I most certainly do.

Hats off boys, hats off!

An Introduction of Sorts

It has been my recent pleasure to make the introduction of Dr. Brookson. For a pacifist, he seems to be an intelligent sort, although to be honest I’m not always fully clear on what the man is trying to say. Perhaps it’s the result of a life spent undercover, and often under fire, that has led me to appreciate brevity and clarity of communication, which, no doubt, you’ve noticed escapes my friend.

Or maybe he’s just your typical egghead type more comfortable with his books and goats than with an agent of this country who has spent his life ensuring that these United States remain free and secure for all citizens. Whatever the case, I’m grateful to him for including me in this project. As for those goats, well more on them in a minute.

Me? Well all you really need to know is that I am man familiar with danger. I’ve looked death in the eye, humped it dry, and not even bothered to kiss it goodnight! I guess you could say it was good for me. Oh, but see I’ve forgotten myself, and my esteemed company here at SAGE. Doc was worried that I’d slip into some of the more quaint colloquialisms that I’ve picked up in my exploits and I’ve promised to behave, so no more of that!

As I was saying, I’m a man of action. Many of my exploits you’ve read about in your morning paper while still in your jammies at home with a nice cup of jo. Try to comprehend that while you were sipping some overly roasted Sumatra I was, at the very same moment, high tailing it out of some backwater hell hole, made just a bit more hellish for my having been there. I don’t begrudge you your comfort; I chose my fate when I was recruited into the agency. Still, awareness, like freedom, comes at a cost. As I will remind you many times over the coming months, I am truth and my price is your innocence. Others have had to pay; now it is your turn. Consider yourself warned.

How did I come to join this project? Well it’s those damned goats that did it. During my last mission I had a need for a steady supply of the aforementioned animals. I can’t say much, so I’ll just say that in some cultures a suicide goat mission can be a very effective form of warfare. I was put in charge of the project once the concept team completed the initial specs. In the beginning we actually started with a design for exploding sheep, but you just couldn’t imagine the havoc created by all that static electricity coming out of their wool! I lost some damn fine men on that project because the boys in the concept lab really didn’t think things through at first!

So we made a field decision to switch to goats, and the truth is we were having a little trouble at the agency perfecting things with them too, logistics are always the hard part - where do you put the explosives, how in the world do you get the goat to hold still for THAT, etc.-, when the Doc was referred to me. Of course we kept him in the dark with a story about experiments on increasing milk production for the starving children, and things went pretty well for a while. That is until the Doc noticed a marked decrease in his flock and a certain correlation of that decline with the sound of explosions, coming from his back 40.

I tried to talk around the story for a while and my team feverishly kept the experiments going trying to find a methodology that was secure and repeatable. Finally, the Doc’s persistence got the best of us and I had to make a call on whether to bring the Doc in on the program, or to “ensure the integrity of the project”, to use some agency vernacular. Well, the Doc seemed like a good guy, and the truth is that his place was quite a bit more comfy than life in the foothills of some locale amidst a herd of explosive laden goats ready to be deployed. So we gave him most of the details.

As you can imagine, the Doc had a little trouble with the concept, but by then most of our work was done. We therefore agreed to desist and spent the remainder of our development time drinking the Doc’s tequila (Mexican Barking Juice he got to calling it), and improvising fireworks displays for the local toothless set with our left over plastique, some surplus aluminum fence posts and the ignition system of a ’76 lime green Nova that the Doc was driving at the time. It was at one of these all nighters that the Doc suggested I join in this effort.

I’m currently in seclusion writing my memoirs at a location I chose not to disclose. The agency is unaware of my compositional activities, so I’m keeping a low profile since this country does seem to have a continuing need for my talents. I never seem to run into a recession in my line of work, and the pay is quite good. Best of all, the agency has a terrific benefit plan; the real key to it is staying alive.

I am looking forward to our exchange of ideas, and I will ensure that my satellite uplink remains active regardless of where I may be off to.

Until we chat again remember, if you hear of any goat bomber missions, that was me.